DWTS Recap: Pitbull Week! (ugh)

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Pitbull is the guest judge this week, opening performer, and has chosen his favorite songs of his own and others to accompany every dance. This is the worst, you guys. Ugh. Anyway, the good part is that Leah Remini filled in for Erin this week and wow, was she absolutely the best. We’ll get to that later, but after the lovely opening dance from the pros (and no one really cheering more for Pitbull once he started dancing, which was cool), we find out that Janel and Jonathan are both jeopardy. YIKES!

Jonathan and Allison danced a jazz routine that looked someone with Barbie hands tried to do a step routine. SWIFFFTTTTT! Anyway, the judges seemed to love it and were happy to see Jonathan actually dance, ya know…well. I didn’t like it, but I think I’m so anti-this couple at this point, that my eyes are blurred. Allison told him to be himself and not the class clown before the dance, so maybe that helped? Who knows, and who cares, really? Leah made everyone do “the EYES” in the Skybox and it was amazing (which is a reoccurring theme with Leah, so from here on out, I’ll just explain her brilliance). Four 8s from the judges.

Janel and Val danced a samba, and while it wasn’t the sharpest she’s ever been, it was still nice. Very classic ballroom, lively and fun. Val was just happy to be back with Janel, because, ya know…they be baby-making after the show. Allegedly. Carrie Ann saw her off balance and Pitbull saw no passion. Really? Well, I’ve never seen Pitbull have talent, sooooo…I win. Leah’s moment: “When you storm out, you don’t go back to get keys! You get an Uber!” An 8 from Carrie Ann, a SEHVEN from Pitbull and two Nines from the panel.

Tommy and Peta recharge their batteries in the desert with a sweat lodge and Cloris Leachman, because of course. Peta’s face during that whole clip was pure confusion, and as the only member of the #PetaPosse, it was great. Their foxtrot was a nice welcome back to Tommy from 3 weeks ago. Straight SEHVENs from the judges.

Antonio and Cheryl had a scare during rehearsal, as Cheryl’s father had a seizure and she thought she would have to fly to Thailand to see him. Alas, he preferred if she remained to dance, and that is what she did. In classic Antonio fashion, the dance was eh. Pitbull keeps commenting on the music on not the dance. Ugh. But, hold on, Paula Abdul and Florence Henderson are sitting next to each other in the audience…I don’t know what is up and what is down anymore! Leah Moment: “We are thinking about your father, but Antonio, least you coulda done is take off your shirt!” Straight SEHVENs from the judges.

Sadie and Mark danced a rumba, but of course, it was too sexy for her and the family, so they had to go into a boardroom and have a skype conference call discussing how much emotion she could portray on the ballroom floor. I’m kidding, but it’s always a family affair, but I just think…you know what you’re signing up for. Dances are sometimes sex-driven. If you don’t feel comfortable with it, don’t sign up for the show. Anyway, the dance was still my favorite she’s done. Bruno saw a lack of fluid movement, but what I saw was nice. Her lines were great and her extensions were gorgeous and her absolute best yet. Small parts reminded me of Meryl…BUT NO ONE WILL TOP THE BALLROOM GODDESS! BOW DOWN! She was in the audience and I freaked out a bit, not gonna lie. A 9 from Carrie Ann, a 10 from Pitbull and two 8s from the panel. Sadie started crying, which led to the Leah Moment: “We have to stop this. Now. Stop this or I’m going to cry.”

Lea and Artem had a weird week, as Artem choreographed their salsa as direct competition to Alfonso’s, but that led to Lea’s confusion and getting blamed for not having a good week (um…judges…YOU’RE BLAMING THE WRONG ONE!). Either way, some highlights, some lowlights with a few mess-ups, but not awful. Leah’s Moment: “Have you considered wearing a shirt? Perhaps a turtleneck?” and after they created a Lea sandwich “Okay, calm down, my husband’s Puerto Rican.” Straight 8s from the judges.

Michael and Emma took a super slow and acoustic approach towards their Argentine Tango, right after being announced as being in jeopardy, and it was pretty dang good! He introduced us to slo-mo leg flicks, which probably has Maks puking all over his shirtless penthouse in Malibu (that’s an assumption and not a fact), but it was far and away Michael’s best dance. Michael tried to kiss Emma at the end, but missed, which led to Leah’s Moment: “You got farther than a lot of men.” TRUTH! Two 8s, from Carrie Ann and Two SEHVENs, from Pitbull and Bruno.

Bethany and Derek had a crazy week because they only had 7 hours of rehearsal IN FLIPPIN’ AUSTRALIA! Yeah, YouTubers schedules are no joke. #TeamInternet. Anyway, even without the known lack of training, a superb tango from them. Perfect extensions and angles, always on beat and creating an energy. Wonderful dance. Leah’s Best Moment: To Derek “Have you even gotten a 5 or 7?!” to which she then start hitting him repeatedly with the mic. It was heavenly. Four 9s from the judges.

Alfonso and Witney had a drama-filled rehearsal package before their salsa. Witney cried after Michael got 5s last week, as she felt incredibly bad (not your fault he sucks). Then, Alfonso battled with a groin injury he’s had since doing the Carlton (which is sort of the best injury ever when considering the context). THEN, during rehearsal before the show, Witney’s final twist knocked the wind out of her, but at first, looked like something so serious it was scary. Wasn’t being paired with Cody Simpson last season bad enough?! Either way, their booty-rific routine was tight, gorgeously choreographed and just one of Alfonso’s best. Carrie Ann spanked Alfonso ten times…so, yeah. Leah’s Moment: after many mentions of the groin in ways that could be taken out of context “Yeah…let’s not discuss this anymore…” Three 10s and a 9 from Julianne.

Then, we find out the couple going home is…Jonathan and Allison! WOOT! I mean…aw.

Let me know your thoughts for the week below or on the discussion boards!

Marshal Knight
Marshal Knight is a pop culture writer based in Orlando, FL. For some inexplicable reason, his most recent birthday party was themed to daytime television. He’d like to thank Sandra Oh.