With the Country Bear Musical Jamboree at the top of mind within the culture, I decided it would be a great time to revisit the 2002 film The Country Bears. I now regret that decision.
The Country Bears was the first attraction-based film to be released in theaters by Walt Disney Studios (Tower of Terror was for ABC), creating its own subgenre, for better or worse. The attraction and film share little to no similarities, other than the concept of bears playing music.
A brief synopsis is as follows: Beary Barrington, a tween bear being raised by humans, comes to terms with his adoption by running away in the hopes of finding his purpose. His journey leads him to Country Bear Hall, the former home of The Country Bears, a country/rock group that had disbanded a decade prior. The Hall is set to be demolished by Christopher Walken (?) due to a lack of funds, but Beary pushes for the band to get back together for a fundraising concert.
A bus tour across the country picks up bears along the way (including Trixie, whose singing voice is literally Bonnie Raitt, who I assume lost a bet?) as they deal with not only the concert, but also the fact that they are stowing a runaway child.
Now, I believe I saw this movie in theaters as a kid, but I frankly can’t be sure. Possibly the resulting trauma from this offensively bad film wiped it from my memory. In short: what are we even doing here? I realize the early aughts were a different time for Disney, but I want to meet every individual who had a hand in bringing this to the screen just to smack ‘em. I joked on Letterboxd that all who worked on this film deserve to be in a maximum security prison.
The first awful choice were the bears themselves. Utilizing a type of costume that can best be described as “ABC’s Dinosaurs, but worse”, these anthropomorphic bears are uncanny valley territory. Even the Charmin bears wouldn’t invite them over for a BBQ.
After the initial introduction of these horrifying creatures, what follows is the longest 90 minutes you’ll ever experience in your life. I paused the film at one point and to my utter dismay realized it had only been twenty minutes. It’s excruciating because the film doesn’t have any understanding of what makes the attraction so beloved and kitschy. Instead, the film tries to take the “we’re getting the band back together!” motif with characters audiences don’t know.
On top of creating original characters that have no purpose, the film also ignores the classic country western sound and replaces it with this rockabilly/country rock energy that doesn’t work and, frankly, feels dated. Why make a film about an attraction and then barely use it as a guide? I’m so utterly confused!
Also, Christopher Walken as an armpit farter? I have no energy to discuss.
To no one’s shock, The Country Bears was a financial and critical flop upon its release. Y’all, it deserved it. It hurts to watch. Is there still a story to be told? I think so! An animated Country Bear series or film could help bring the characters from the attraction to life in new and delightful ways. Yet, whatever honey they were taking in the early aughts led to this mess of a movie that should be tried in a court of law.