Guest Relations
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Guest Relations: The Oscars Edition

The red carpet is out in Hollywood. The limos pull up before the flash of the paparazzi and the cheers of people who have nothing better to do than camp out for two days hoping to catch a glimpse of Leonardo DiCaprio.

Tom Hanks, Kevin Spacey and Annette Benning stroll down the carpet, smiling to the onlookers and marching with the steps of a bride at a wedding. Their confident stride is abruptly stopped by a big security guard resembling an ape at the front entrance. In fact, it is an ape ... be it an animated one.

"Where do youz think yourz going?" it says.

"Why, we're nominated for Oscars," they all reply in unison.

"No you're not, chumps. Walt didn't send you," the well-dressed ape retorts.

"Who's Walt?"

"Walt Disney. Youz weren't in a Disney movie and youz can't get in. Read the sign and beat it!"

Just then the non-Disney/Miramax/Touchstone/Hollywood looked up and saw:

What If It Was an All-Disney Oscars

In the tradition of the "What If It Was a Disney Movie" segment of Guest Relations, we present the All-Disney Oscars.

To qualify, a movie must have been produced by Disney or one of its subsidiaries within the past year. TV-movies, direct to video and the home movies Doobie and Rebekah made of their trip to Florida don't qualify.

Because we have a slight mean streak, there are also awards in the "worst" category.

All-Disney Oscars and their nominating ballots can't be stolen, as the statues don't really exist and I am the sole person on the nominating committee. But there's room for another. Any volunteers?

Without further adieu or hullabaloo, the All-Disney Oscars.

Best Actor in a Disney Movie
Nominees: Russell Crowe (The Insider and Mystery, Alaska), Haley Joel Osment (The Sixth Sense), Michael Caine (The Cider House Rules)

And the All-Disney Oscar Goes to: Russell Crowe.
All the real Oscar talk has surrounded the great performances by Denzel Washington and Spacey. Those people apparently haven't seen The Insider. Being as this is an All-Disney Oscars, that doesn't matter anyway.
The best actors are those who never play the same part. Using that criteria, Crowe may very well be one of our finest actors around today. Crowe was Jeffrey Wigand, even though he is 20 years younger in real life. To see Crowe's range, also check out his performance in Mystery, Alaska, where he is a bruiting and aging Alaskan hockey player. His performance there carried that movie as well.

Best Actress in a Disney Movie
Nominees: Joan Cusack (Toy Story 2), Juliette Lewis (The Other Sister), Meryl Streep (Music of the Heart, like regular Oscars gets automatic nomination for being Meryl Streep)

And the All-Disney Oscar Goes to: Joan Cusack.
In many ways, Toy Story 2 surpassed the original. A little of it was the plot. A little of it was the animation. A lot of it was Cusack's characterization of Jessie the Cowgirl which gave the next dimension that made Toy Story 2 so enjoyable.
Cusack never gets much credit as an actress, but she seemingly steals every movie she's in, even if it's in bit parts. Kind of like how Big Al steals the Country Bear Jamboree. No Al, no jamboree.

Lifetime Achievement Award: Dean Jones

With the exception of that chipmunk in the True Life Adventures, no actor appeared in more in live-action Disney films in the 1960s and 70s than the dean of Disney films.
He was the original owner of The Love Bug, and few could accept Ken Berry filling his shoes in the sequel. That explains Jones' eventual return to the role. Jones also was usually the foil of some character in the animal kingdom (not the theme park) from That Darn Cat to The Ugly Dachshund to the $1,000,000 Duck. He became an animal later on in The Shaggy D.A.
Note that if adjusted for inflation, it would today be the $1,000,000,000 Duck and the shaggy D.A. would be involved in a fight with the chief of the Los Angeles police.

Best Disney Animated Movie
Nominees: Fantasia 2000, Tarzan, Toy Story 2

And the All-Disney Oscar Goes to: Toy Story 2
Of all the talk on the various Disney fan web sites and on the LaughingPlace.com message boards, it's kind of surprising nobody has talked about 1999 as being one of the best years for Disney animation in quite some time.
All three nominees are worthy of being classics. The fact that Toy Story 2 stands out among the three shows just how enjoyable it was.
If you ever asked a person why they go to a movie, Toy Story 2 answered all its questions. Its story was fun and engrossing, its humor made you laugh out loud and the visuals were astounding. An all-around masterpiece.

Worst Disney Animated Movie
Nominee and Winner: Doug's 1st Movie

Get on my case all you want, but I'm just not a very big Doug fan. It has the Disney name, but it has never seemed very Disney to me. Nickelodeon maybe, but not Disney.
It's not that Doug is distasteful or vulgar. He's just not very interesting or entertaining. Based on its total box office, which was less than Mission to Mars made just last week, it was probably Doug's last movie.

Best Disney Live Action Movie
Nominees and Winners: None

You don't think I was about to give Inspector Gadget and Oscar, did you?
[Ed Note: The editor later reminded Chris of The Straight Story. Chris responded: "Oh! How could I forget! My apologies. For punishment, I will now ride a tractor from Disneyland to Disney World."]

Worst Disney Live Action Movie
Nominees: Inspector Gadget, My Favorite Martian

And the All-Disney Oscar Goes to: Inspector Gadget
Inspector Gadget wasn't a very good animated series. Produced by the DiC animation machine that mostly produced toy tie-in Saturday morning fare, each Gadget episode had exactly the same plot: Gadget gets mission, Gadgets gets in trouble, daughter and dog save his hide and Gadget takes all the credit.
Wouldn't be the best idea for a live action movie, but they did it anyway. The worst part is that they took a bad concept and made it worse. At least the plot was different. Let's just hope that Disney isn't thinking about turning DiC cartoon Kidd Video into a live action movie.