LAUGHING PLACE

He gave you your break, so to speak, no?

PH

Yes, indeed he did. I was originally imported to this country through an antiques dealer on East 81st Street, who in turn sold me to Ray Bolger. Ray had invited Josh over to tea to discuss a new play he wanted Josh to direct– a musical version of Charlie’s Aunt, for which Josh had directed some time early – and it was pouring rain when Josh was ready to leave, so Ray loaned me to him. Josh was having a devil of a time catching a taxi and finally I just let out a whistle and pronto, a checker came to a screeching halt in front of Ray’s building. Well, Josh was quite impressed and subsequently offered to buy me from Bolger, who told him he could keep me as a gift. Josh ended up not directing the musical, but he and I became inseparable from that day forward. What happened next is, well it’s just unbelievable!

LP

Before we get to the incredible, let’s back up a little.

PH

Certainly

LP

You’ve been off of our radar for…well for quite some time now. Until your reappearance on the West End last year, you were…well how do we say this…uhm

PH

I was as good as dead, that’s what I was! Let’s not mince words. After the debut of “Mary Poppins�? in 1963 I was the toast of Hollywood. There was buzz about a best supporting actor nomination, but Gielgud’s people were furious at the idea and started a counter-campaign. “Puppets aren’t people,�? Sir John stood up and shouted at a Screen Actors Guild meeting. He was met with a resounding cheer from everyone in the room and I just snuck out of the back without saying a word. It was a dreadful act of grandstanding, and completely un-called for. He was a shoe-in for a nomination for his performance in “Becket�? so why he felt threatened by me I’ll never know. I was delighted when Peter Ustinov won. Gielgud was poker faced at the ceremony but I’m certain he was seething underneath that tux. Ha!

LP

Were you there?

PH

No, no. Sadly I was watching the broadcast on televisions displayed in the window of an appliance store in St. Petersburg.

LP

Russia?

PH

No, Florida. I hadn’t had a single phone call for months, so I was forced to give up my flat in Beverly Hills and seek work elsewhere. I had heard that Bush Gardens was hiring so I flew South for the first time since leaving home nearly twenty-five years earlier.

LP

What did you do for Bush Gardens?

PH

Nothing, not then at least. They weren’t seeing anyone new, so I was forced to take work at a second rate attraction just south of there called Parrot Jungle. It was more like Parrot swamp, a messy plot of mosquito infested land packed with the most sordid group of underachievers I’ve ever had the displeasure of knowing. I was housed with a severely disabled Tucan named Buzzy, who had clearly done too much poppy seed - remember, this was the 1960’s afterall – and couldn’t say anything except “Hey Man! Hey Man! Hey Man!�? Good heavens, it was like listening to a badly scratched George Carlin album. I had auditioned with a soliloquy from “Hamlet�? but the owners had me stationed by a soft-drink cart where I was paid to constantly repeat the phrase “Coke Adds Life!�? seven hours a day. Well Coke was taking my life, thank you very much. It was dreadful! But fortunately I got a little extra in commissions because it was a commercial outside vendor. Happily I was able to sock away enough to quit that job and just do tutoring for a group of Moroccan flamingoes who were looking to improve their English. Thankfully, the father was part of a permanent display by the brewery in Busch Gardens.

LP

Ah, so that’s when you started working for Busch.

PH

Well, yes and no. That is that I did work for them, but not for very long. You see, the flamingo recommended me to the director of talent management who was a very sweet young woman named Peggy Toth. She was not a native Floridian and she kept her office cooled to 68 degrees, even in winter – she grew up on Lake Michigan and I swear her ice water never melted it was so cold in that office! So unfortunately when she asked me to read the sides for the show in the main theatre I kept sneezing between every other word. After twenty minutes of saying “Gadzundheit�? she finally gave me a job as a seating host in the brewery cafe.

LP

That was very kind.

PH

It was a very generous act on her part, but it ultimately lead to my downfall. I was so bored that I took to having a beer with lunch, and then because of employee privileges I kept my stein full for the entire shift and before I knew it I was having upwards of ten or twelve beers a shift. Finally, less than a year into the job I had lost all good judgment, and when a particularly rude German tourist - who was there all by himself - kept asking when he was going to be seated I finally got on the loudspeaker and called out “Hindenburg, party of ten – hey you, Sgt Shultz, your table’s waiting.�?

LP

Oh, dear.

PH

It gets worse. I then opened my mike to the entire dining area and yelled “Attention diners, the Bratwurst special is no longer available unless you’re on the floor under the blimp parked at table seven.�?

LP

No!

PH

Yes, well. All for the best, really. Not only was I constantly opening and closing indoors every time I hiccupped, but I had a drinking problem that everyone could see except me, and the only way to solve it was to hit rock bottom.

LP

What did you do? I assume they fired you.

PH

They didn’t have to fire me. I quit. I took a bus back to my apartment, but I never arrived.

LP

How’s that?

PH

I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Key West. That was the beginning of a new life for me. Homeless, penniless and sporting a ripe hangover that felt as if every woodpecker in the South had been slamming away at my head, I found a bar tender named Hu who promised to open a tab for me if I’d help him improve his broken Chinese-American accent . We struck a deal and, in fact, he even offered me a place to stay. It was the middle of the rainy season in the Keys and I kept his head dry while he, well while he kept my whistle wet. (EDITORS NOTE: For more on that famous whistle see the video sidebars at the end of this interview) Finally, after a week he revealed to me that he’d been pouring me a combination of ginger ale and lime juice with absolutely no alcohol whatsoever. I was livid, at first, but when I realized that he been instrumental in getting me sober and keeping me out of trouble, well I began to rethink my entire life. This was an amazing chap who simply adored debating politics and religion, and who managed to teach me Mandarin.

Shortly thereafter the hotel offered me a job filling in for the pianist, and Hu and I found ourselves working the room like a couple of pros. I’d banter from the piano and he’d call back from the bar. It was marvelous.