It’s Week 5, and that means Switch-Up time! The night where friendships are broken and created, scores usually drop, and everyone goes “Can we just go back to normal?!” Tonight is the night where we see if Jonathan is just bad, or Allison is truly a bad pro. On that super uplifting note, Jessie J opened the showing with a rousing medley of her 2 current singles, paired with the same choreography she used at the VMAs…DON’T THINK I DIDN’T NOTICE, MS. J! Carrie Ann was super into it too, the live streams are GOLD for shots of Carrie Ann over-the-top dancing to any song that has played ever in the ballroom. Ever. Good news however, no eliminations tonight! With that, let’s get to the dances!
Allison and Antonio opened the show with a Bollywood number and my face was in a constant state of disgust. Allison explained how she has a LOT of experience with the dance (woo.) and Antonio said how he “never thought in a million years” he would be dancing Bollywood. Yeah, us either, and look at where we are now. It was bad, as expected, but Carrie Ann kind of praised it? I don’t even understand. However, she did get in a dig towards Allison, so the usual. The others saw a disconnect and awful timing. An 8 from Carrie Ann, a 6 from Jessie J (right on!) and two SEHVENs from Bruno and Julianne.
Bethany and Mark danced a hip-hop routine after scaring the bajeezus out of her. To get back at all the cool experiences Derek is having with Sadie, Mark and Bethany…hula-hoop. In slo-mo. It was rather hilarious. Better than I expected, but she looked out of her element when she danced alone. Carrie Ann commented on her swag and all I could think was FLY GIRL THINKS SHE WAS FLY, GURL! Oh, and they kind of kissed on stage. Four 8s from the judges.
Jonathan and Peta danced a jitterbug. Okay, so here we go…Jonathan was better than last week, but he still kind of sucks. So the answer to our question is…Allison and Jonathan are both bad. Peta looked great out there, I miss seeing her do crazy good routines since she has an older partner currently. Carrie Ann saw so much wrong and Jessie J was uncomfortable. Four 6s from the judges, but since Jessie expected the boos, she smiled and shouted her score…it was amazing.
Antonio and Cheryl danced a flamenco that included lots of heel taps, curse words, and chalk. Yeah, I’m not sure about the last one either. It was a great dance, very tight and powerful, which makes me angry how Cheryl has recently been paired with clear non-winners, and this shows us that she deserves some better partners! If this is her final season, I’ll be uber depressed. Kudos to Jessie complimenting Cheryl. Jessie J is the best guest judge the show has ever had, and should be the permanent guest judge. Julianne said it was the first believable pairing of the night. Two 8s (from Carrie Ann and Bruno) and Two 9s from the others.
Artem and Janel danced a burlesque to a Jessie J song about Jessie’s mother. Let that sink in for a second. Anyway, Janel is the funniest of the cast this season, as evidenced by her amazing rehearsal packages. The dance was so freaking fluid and exuded sexiness, but Julianne and Carrie Ann thought it wasn’t really a Burlesque dance. Erin was disappointed she wasn’t invited to join the dance…so is America, Erin. When asked what she was thinking about during the dance, after apologizing to her father, she said “Puppies…” and it was amazing. Three 8s and a 9 from Bruno.
Michael and Witney danced a disco routine. Witney couldn’t have done anything to stop this atrocity. Only good point were that is started in the DWTS Box O’ Glitter (that weird room to the left of the staircase) and that Jessie’s commentary was “It was consistent…” He reminded me of the drunk uncle that happens to appear at every wedding ever. Four 5s from the judges.
Tommy and Emma danced a mambo that was equally interesting. They gave the pair such a weird and slow song for such a fluid and energy filled dance, so it fell super flat. However, it was better than last week. Jessie was relaxed by the dance. Sweetie, it’s the weed. Three 6s and a 5 from Julianne. Erin and the pros agreed, “The judges are so mean today.”
Sadie and Derek travelled to Louisiana to practice their Charleston. The best line ever uttered on the show happened when Sadie was stalking Mark’s Instagram, where she said “He called her bae?! SHE AIN’T YO’ BAE!” I am now putting that in my will to be engraved on my tombstone. I found it a little too jazz-y, but it was still a nice dance. I miss the Charleston Mark and Melissa Joan Hart gave a whole lotta seasons back. Jessie’s critique “really clean, great lines…oooo look at me getting all technical!” I love her. LET HER STAY! Four 9s from the judges.
Val and Lea danced a Broadway routine that was so bizarre and made no season to this Great White Way dweeb. They danced to a song from Hairspray, and while it was a lovely dance technique wise, the story of Lea being a nurse at an old-folks home for ballroom dancers made no sense in context or out of context. So weird. Julianne saw some hesitation, but Carrie Ann loved the cray cray concept. However, she later said that Broadway dancing had “smaller movements, more pedestrian.” HOW DARE YOU! Two 8s (from Jessie and Julianne) and two 9s from the judges.
I want Jessie J to stay forever, but unfortunately, we get Pitbull next week. If you see some puke stains on next week’s recap, it is because of his presence.
Let me know your thoughts on the episode!