Editor’s note: The following article is a work of satire and should be enjoyed as such.
If you’re at all familiar with DisTwitter and keep your fingers remotely near the pulse of the Disney fan community, you’re surely aware that both Disneyland and Walt Disney World have unveiled a number of upcharge events and perks over the past several months. Even in the week since Doobie and I debated this very topic, two West Coast events were announced; one celebrating the return of a beloved parade and the other bidding adieu to an attraction that’s already completely covered in freaking tarps and scaffolding. Needless to say, with every new offering introduced, jokes and hot takes run rampant.
Setting all that aside for a moment, you may remember a few weeks ago when I reviewed a book titled Dream it! Screw it!: 30 Years of Rejected Disney Park Ideas from Dipp Disney. In the well-meaning, satirical nature of that publication, we here at LP thought it might be fun to share some such “rejected” ideas for Disney Parks upcharges, presented in a fashion that a certain official blog might announce them:
The Disneyland PeopleMover Evening Gondolas
Since the closure of Rocket Rods at the beginning of the new millennium, our guests have consistently shared with us how much they loved the original PeopleMover and wanted to see it return to Disneyland. Well, today, we are pleased to announce that fans can now enjoy this classic attraction once again, but with a brand new twist you won’t want to miss!
Take an overhead tour of Tomorrowland aboard our PeopleMover Gondolas. Each vehicle will be guided by one of our Paddlers of the Future who will not only keep you moving but also serenade you with such favorites as “There’s a Great Big Beautiful Tomorrow.” As you continue on your tour, you’ll also be treated to delicious space-age desserts and scrumptious beverages (for those 21+). Plus, upon your arrival back at the platform, you’ll be given an exclusive PeopleMover Gondola event pin to show off to all your friends back in the present!
Cost is $250 per guest, and includes desserts, soft drinks and adult beverages.
Walt Disney World’s Premium Potty Pass
During a full day of park hopping and enjoying all of the amazing cuisine that Walt Disney World has to offer, there may be times in your trip where you’d appreciate some extra privacy. Say no more, because today we are happy to announce an exciting new offering: The Premium Potty Pass.
With this new day pass, you’ll enjoy access to one convenient restroom location in each of our parks that is reserved exclusively for Potty Pass guests. In addition to sound-proof construction, customizable aromas, and extra soft 2-ply paper, each of our washrooms is stocked with the latest Disney publications, yours to keep as our gift to you. Additionally, you may upgrade to the Premier Potty Pass, which includes all of the perks of the Premium but with added access to our bidets in the France pavilion at Epcot — the perfect stop after lunch at La Cantina de San Angel.
Cost is $45 per day for the Premium Potty Pass. Single-use upgrades to the Premier Potty Pass are available for an extra $25.
Omnibus “Wishes” Fireworks Viewing + Meet & Greet
Each night, our Walt Disney World guests enjoy the wonder of Magic Kingdom’s firework display, Wishes. Now we invite you and your family to enjoy a unique viewing of this nightly spectacle from aboard one of our Main Street Omnibuses.
Before the show, enjoy a special meet in greet with the Mayor of Main Street himself! Then hop aboard the iconic Omnibus as you slowly make your way toward the gorgeous Cinderella Castle to see the show. After the finale, stay in your seat as your vehicle returns you to Town Square for a special “honk goodnight” treat: a lithograph featuring the Omnibus and the signature of Imagineer Bob Gurr!
Cost is $70 per person. Special Note: Omnibus Wishes Fireworks Viewing may result in obstructed views for non-paying guests. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Disney California Adventure “Wine & Whine” Event
Have you ever wanted to be a Disney Imagineer? What about an executive for The Walt Disney Company? Well now Disneyland Resort Annual Passholders will have a special opportunity to share their ideas with our Cast Members at the first ever Wine & Whine event to be held at this year’s Disney California Adventure Food & Wine Festival.
First, enjoy delicious red and white wines from around the great state of California, including the famed Napa Valley region. After a few glasses of California’s finest, step up to one of the dozens of Disney Imagineers and executives who will be in attendance and are dying to hear your best ideas for Disneyland, Walt Disney World, and other exciting projects. Event attendees will also be treated to a keynote speech from Disney Parks and Resorts Chairman Bob Chapek. In addition to answering your questions, Bob will be speaking on a number of “possible” future plans ranging from the return of Epcot’s classic Horizons to a third park joining the Disneyland Resort.
Cost is $169 per person and is limited to Annual Passholders and one (1) guest.
Disney Parks Ultimate Pin Traders Package
We know you love Disney Pin Trading — we love it too! That’s why we’re pin-credibly excited to announce the all new Ultimate Pin Traders Packages coming to Walt Disney World and Disneyland!
Display your impressive pin collection for other fans, collectors, and traders to see with your own specially reserved table within either Disneyland Park or Magic Kingdom. You’ll also enjoy unlimited access to ice cold water and other beverages throughout your visit —perfect for those warmer days that California and Florida are both known for. Best of all, each package also includes “VIPin” access to Cast Member lanyards! With extra Hidden Mickeys added each day, we just know you’ll find something of pin-terest to trade for.
Cost is $34 per person, per day for a single table, or add an additional table reservation for $19.
So which of these “rejected” ideas is your favorite? More importantly, which do you think might actually become a reality? Let us know — and feel free to share your crazy upcharge ideas with us on Twitter: @laughing_place.