I’ve never been someone to have a connection to a character in an intense and all-encompassing way. Mind you I’m not knocking the emotional attachment, but my favorite characters have always been a baseline love. I’ve enjoyed their movies, they look cute, I like their humor, etc. Never has my connection been all consuming…until Ant-Man.
To explain: the beginning of 2023 was incredibly rough. I had never been in such a dark place, emotionally or physically. My extroverted tendencies were replaced with staying in bed for hours and a nightly cry. Rosie O’Donnell once said that her depression can feel as if she’s “submerging under the ice,” which I didn’t understand for the longest time. When my birthday party came around this past February, the thought of having to put on a smiling face to host friends brought on even more tears. I could feel my body slip deeper and deeper under the sheet of ice. How do I get out? Can I be saved from the fall?
As an entertainment lover, I couldn’t even get myself to pay attention to anything. I just scrolled and cried and felt my chest continue to tighten as my grasp on how to be human began to dissipate. Yet, one day, on a complete whim, I turned on Ant-Man.
Ant-Man has always been looked at as part of the B Team. He never hits the top of many favorite lists. The films have been deemed “filler” by many. Heck, I even gave the movie upon my initial watch the harshest review of all: “That was cute.” As a Marvel fan, Ant-Man never crossed my mind. My feelings were pure indifference.
With Ant-Man & The Wasp: Quantumania soon to be released in theaters, I felt the need to catch up. (Nothing like a new Marvel property to single-handedly try to push me out of my depressive episode. That’s the power of Feige for ya.) A friend was very excited, so to try and find some joy, I booted up the Apple TV and scrolled to find the film.
While watching, a wave of calm began to wash over me. It was the first time I had felt a sense of normalcy in weeks, and frankly, I was confused. Paul Rudd is cool and all, but I couldn’t understand why this feeling of peace, which had been absent from my body, was finally back.
I finished the movie and had the best sleep in months. The intrusive thoughts had quieted and I was able to just breathe. The next day, as the ice began to reform, I turned on Ant-Man & The Wasp. Yet again, the calm returned. Why was this happening? It was the only thing that helped during my solo spirals, so I didn’t try to solve the equation, I just continued agreeing with the answer.
It turned into a hyperfixation, but a beneficial one. Why not write about Ant-Man? Maybe work on an Ant-Man musical for fun? Let me buy a shirt…or two? By the time the obsession was at its height, Ant-Man & The Wasp: Quantumania was released. I blocked out the negative reviews with my own sheet of ice and proceeded to watch the film four times while it was in theaters. If it made me feel good, who cares about reviews? I just want to watch Michelle Pfeiffer in the Quantum Realm!
As the months went by after Quantumania’s release, life got better. The dread seemed to melt away and I was able to climb out of the hole and find solutions. I found help through therapy and medication. My friends and I had deep, heartfelt conversations where I apologized for my lack of self, even though they understood. Yet, I kept going back to Scott Lang. What was it about him that helped turn the emotional numbness into a healthy complacency and a push to climb out of my own rut?
It wasn’t until this past September when I was able to put the pieces together. Scott Lang’s memoir, Look Out For The Little Guy!, was finally published after its appearance in Quantumania. The book itself is part-memoir, part-self-help book through the eyes of the most down-to-earth Avenger out there.
As Lang (with the help of Rob Kutner) began to discuss his personal experiences, trials, and tribulations, it finally made sense. Scott’s goal in life is to protect those around him and create an environment of support. Yet, when oneself isn’t at their emotional best, the ability to see others thrive isn’t possible. In fact, it’s impossible. Scott’s care for Cassie is palpable, but he knows continued mistakes won’t allow him to be the strong shoulder to lean on for her if he’s not at his best.
Back in February, when I turned the Ant-Man films on for a rewatch, I subconsciously knew I had to get back to my best. The calm that washed over me was the feeling of my equilibrium. I saw Scott actively trying to get back to a base level sense of self and I knew I had to try, too. While I don’t have a Cassie of my own, I always prided myself on being the person to come to if friends were in a bad place. If I was in a funk of my own, how would that be beneficial for anyone?
Seeing Scott’s personality, emotions, and goals synthesized in written form really drove home how helpful watching his stories were for me, even if I couldn’t verbalize it at the time. Without inherently realizing it, Scott gave me the push I needed to find help and look towards the light. While he has a lot of various things to worry about that are, um, let’s just say “above my pay grade,” his compassion and personal push for growth have become a beacon for me to continue towards.
Life is wild. I may end up slipping under the ice again someday. With Ant-Man’s ability to be good as much as he can do good as a motivating force going forward, I know I’ll be able to climb out.