Assorted Buffoonery: Do Not Pass Go. Do Not Collect $200
It’s the summer of 1990. You flip on ABC, excited to watch Super Jeopardy, the first primetime bracket-style version of your favorite game show. You can’t believe you happen to know various world prime ministers and the title of Buster Keaton’s first film. As the premiere ends and you go to change the channel, the most unnecessarily sensual theme song starts to play. Why is she moaning? What could this be about? Then you look up. It’s Monopoly.
ABC purchased thirteen produced episodes of Monopoly to air during the summer of 1990 as a way to fill a hole in their programming. Similar to ABC’s usual summer filled with game shows, they tried to create a game show block with the aforementioned Super Jeopardy and the Merv Griffin-created adaptation of the longest board game of all-time (hyperbolic, yet weirdly true?).
Monopoly has never worked, and likely never will work, as a televised game show. The Millionaire’s Club version of the game removed any semblance of the original game, while a Marc Summers pilot hurt my brain trying to understand. The 1990 version is proof of that. After a pilot was filmed and the host was changed, Monopoly debuted in June of 1990 with a resounding thud. The game show adaptation of the game had contestants make their way around the board answering vague trivia questions, collecting properties, and earning cash. Once the second round hit, the contestants were then able to purchase hotels and houses on their claimed properties and giant dice were rolled to move around the board. It was so convoluted, even typing it out I feel insane.
Originally filmed with the intention of becoming a syndicated program, it instead was bought by ABC after it failed to be purchased in numerous markets. Twelve episodes aired and that was that.
While the set is impressive, I have yet to get over the theme song. The duo singing spell out the name of the show, but with no warning, the woman sensually sings out the letter “O", I guess to insinuate that capitalism is sexy? I truly have no clue, but it has haunted me for years.
I give you the debut episode of ABC’s Monopoly. Try not to get too confused.