Every year (this is the second year), I work to highlight the “performances” that go overlooked. They aren’t the Best Actress or Actor, no, but instead, they are something more stupid and niche. Why must all performances be “good” either? Why can’t we celebrate things that aren’t as good as they are there. It is my honor to present “The LP Best Walt Disney Company Performances of the Year, Which is 2024″.
- Best Performance by an Inexplicably Present Vampire – Matangi in Moana 2 – We can all agree Moana 2 is bad, right? I’m not even sure it would’ve worked as a television series, because the songs and character intentions are so poorly thought out that there is no reward for viewers. However, when marketing began to present a true villain-like character in the story, I got excited. We all long for a return of true villains (and y’all are sleeping King Magnifico), so Matangi seemed promising. Then, quickly after she’s introduced, she sings a ditty about moving through life and sends Moana on her way. No villainous tendencies at all. So, explain to me why she was absolutely serving as a fabulous vampire living inside a giant clam? I’m not mad, I’m just…confused? She ate tho.
- Best Performance by an Academy Award Winner Dancing Like a Fool – Emma Stone in Kinds of Kindness – I present without comment. Beyond grateful for Yorgos Lanthimos’s absurdity.
- Best Performance During a Cutaway at a Televised Award Show – Messi at Academy Awards – Whenever an animal is a part of the awards conversation, we’re better off for it. We’ve had Jenny the Donkey from The Banshees of Inisherin, and Uggie from The Artist, but last year brought us Messi from Anatomy of a Fall. Not only did the pup absolutely kill their scenes in the dramatic film (one could argue he was genuinely better than some of the Supporting Actor nominees), but their presence during the awards season was incredibly welcomed. So, when the Jimmy Kimmel Live writing team created a bit for Messi to applaud during this past year’s ceremony, not only did television peak, but I also ascended into the skies via New Jersey drone.
- Best Performance by Someone I Didn’t Expect – Edward Norton in A Complete Unknown – Walking into the theater, you’re ready for a Timothee Chalamet tour de force. Of course, my man delivers. (That’s MY Best Actor!) However, the quiet heartbreak portrayed by Edward Norton as Pete Seeger feels like a gift with purchase. Not an ounce of me expected to come out of the film devastated by Norton’s quiet anger as Seeger realizes that his mentee has eclipsed his own hopes. Did I expect to be starting my own “For Your Consideration” campaign for, of all people, Edward Norton? Sure didn’t! Yet, I’m not mad. Catch me singing “This Land is Your Land” in the shower like I’m a 1960s folk artist living in the Village.
- Best Performance by an Ensemble in a Movie that Disney Sold Before Releasing – The Bikeriders – The cast of The Bikeriders, you’ll always be a 20th Century Studios release in my heart. Love you guys. Big time.
- Best Performance by an Overly Pronounced Syllable – Theo Somolu singing “I Always Wanted A Brother” in Mufasa – I am obsessed with my sweet little British cub. Taka is an adorable little sweet bean of a cub who just wants a sibling, gosh darn it! Will he soon turn into an incel and, in about twenty years, murder his adoptive brother in a fit of rage? Oh, a hundred percent. When you think about the greater implications of Mufasa, it’s quite dark and makes you want to end it all. However, in the moment, you just want to dance along and enjoy the frivolity of it all! At the beginning of Taka and Mufasa’s relationship, they sing a delightful duet over their excitement of becoming family. Yet, Taka sings the word “brother” as “broth-AHHHH” and I can’t stop listening to it. And singing along. And including the word “broth-AHHHH” in normal conversation. Can you say “hyper-fixation”?!
- Best Performance by a One-Liner During a Press Tour – Lewis Black for Inside Out 2 – My man is just as stressed by slang as I. So sorry you weren’t added to the text chain, Mr. Black. We’ll try to update you going forward.
- Best Performance by a Witch – Patti LuPone in Agatha All Along – How dare someone be that good. How dare Patti walk into my beloved Marvel Cinematic Universe and deliver a performance that superb, lived in, and profound. On top of her remarkable performance that sent critics and fans into a tizzy, LuPone somehow doesn’t have an Emmy. Now, with Agatha being (incorrectly) submitted as a comedy at the Emmys, I worry she won’t have the possibility to take this role and turn it into awards gold. However, as someone who has held to deal with the deluge of The Bear being improperly placed, I will let Agatha slide if we can secure Patti an Emmy. Honestly, not even for her outstanding seventh episode, but for her playing maracas like a beautifully talented nutcase.
- Best Performance by Miss Piggy in Resurfaced Footage – Martha Stewart & Piggy – No notes. None at all. Even as a Martha Stewart fan, you better read her to filth, Piggy!