In the words of comedians Bryan Safi and Erin Gibson, “rich rich, anybody rich?” A wedding party has spent an unhealthy amount of money to charter the entire ship for the ceremony and festivities. With country artist KELSEA BALLERINI as the bride and character actress MARGO MARTINDALE as the bride’s mother, one can imagine everything possible is about to go wrong. Because of course it is. Because this show never knows when to stop.
Almost immediately, MARGO MARTINDALE is the recipient of the most heinous sunburn I’ve ever witnessed. She’s not burnt as much as she’s profoundly crispy. The medical team cites second degree burns amidst the fire engine red skin on the Emmy Award winner. She’s given a treatment plan and sent on her way. Miraculously, she just looks tan within a day. Is that…possible? Wouldn’t she be covered in peeling skin? (I still have my doubts this cruise ship isn’t just all a dream in Dr. Bankman’s COVID coma brain.)
Later, the team comes across the best man who is adorned with a nasty case of ringworm. (Do they find this out after working to remove his genitals from his hook-up’s genitalia? Yes. Yes they do. Ryan Murphy is many things, but never subtle.) However, Dr. Bankman notices that this specific strain is much more contagious. He gives the best man a proper treatment plan, but urges him to tell all of his sexual partners to ensure they receive the care they need. Can we trust this guy? Or men in general? Who's to say!
KELSEA BALLERINI starts puking up a storm, but she’s been doubling down on Ozempic to fit into her dress. Her completely healed (?) mother is stressed about her daughter being temporarily out of commission, so as her daughter receives treatment she demands the medical team fill the holes at the rehearsal to make sure everything goes off without a hitch.
Up to this point, the episode has stuck to a light, “ha ha, he he” tone. That is until the groom-to-be arrives with the same ringworm symptoms as the best man. This leads him to sharing his sex addiction symptoms to Dr. Bankman. Bankman ensures the groom that there are recovery steps and ways to combat this disease, but unfortunately, the groom isn’t able to fully hear. His mental health battles come to a forefront and instead of fighting the disease, the disease wins. He slowly walks up to the top deck and jumps off.
The Captain is livid that this loss of life wasn’t caught, but has to tell the wedding party the horrific news. The ship offers counseling to those who need it and KELSEA BALLERINI opens up about her fiance's infidelity, along with her own…with her best man. All of the affairs were a badly kept secret, but she knows that her fiance was “husband material” compared to the best man. It’s quite messy, but I guess cathartic for her? This show never knows!
The boat, rightfully so, heads back to port early as news breaks that his body washed up on the shore of Acapulco. With these devastating turns of events, you think the episode would end on a somber note. Negative, ghost rider. Avery and Tristan partake in a late night kitchen raid, diving into the unused wedding cake. Dr. Bankman quickly joins and the trio gets drunk and all share their bucket list items. They all discuss wanting to experience a “good” threesome…so then they do. A man has just killed himself, so let’s all bang and steal the couple’s cake? Why not!
Captain’s Orders:
- The whiplash I received from the suicide PSA at the end of the episode immediately following the trio getting it on? I’m happy I’m insured.
- Respectfully, Margo Martindale doesn’t deserve this show. She’s so much better than this.
- I’m still caught up on the sunburn. It looked absolutely horrifying and then she was totally fine?! I’m clearly not a medical professional, but as they kept discussing the severity of the case, shouldn’t she have been looking like one giant blister for the rest of the episode?
- Question: Is anyone happy on The Odyssey? The guests are bad, the medical team doesn’t seem truly happy…no one has joy?
- Avery being all like “I’d, I dunno, like to perform someday?” sent me. Alexa, play Hamilton.