In the imaginary situation I’ve created in my head, all the Disney Princesses have a group chat. They send memes, they share hot goss, and they remain connected over their connection in life. Yet, out of nowhere, a new girl is added to the GC. “Merida has added Princess Eilonwy” appears at the bottom of the screen.
“Oh no” whispers Aurora, as she texts Mulan frantically. “Not again.” Mulan sends an audio message of just screaming. It’s a five alarm fire in the group chat and no one knows what to do. Belle calls Merida in a panic.
“Girl, I know you meant well, but we’ve done this before and she’s nuts. Like…N U T S.” “How can someone be that bad?” Famous last words from the Pixar princess. Eventually, after Eilonwy, once again, shows her true colors, she’s booted from the group chat and blocked by all the members. It’s sad, but like, someone’s gotta do it.
In honor of World Princess Week, I thought I’d finally take the time to watch The Black Cauldron. Often regarded as Walt Disney Animation Studios’ biggest misstep, the 1985 film follows the stories The Chronicles of Prydain that themselves were based on Welsh mythology.
To be completely upfront, without a look at a film synopsis, I couldn’t tell ya a dang thing that happened in this film. The Horned King needed an inhaler. A pig has powers? Fairies and witches showed up for reasons. The titular black cauldron needs to be destroyed. I guess? Its bleakness, boring characters, and convoluted tale were an absolute slog to sit through. Yet, once Princess Eilonwy enters the picture, everything becomes a thousand times worse.
Remember in school when you’d get your homeroom assignment sent in the mail? You’d anxiously figure out if you shared it with any friends, then head to the open house to collect your full schedule. You’d jump between your classes, meeting teachers and picking up supply lists. Then, without warning, you’d see them. The worst student at school would show up in the same class as you. In that moment, you knew third period would be hell on earth for the next 10 months. How in the world will you be able to understand a single lesson when Mr. Chatty McGee will be interrupting every third word? That’s how I felt the moment Princess Eilonwy entered the story.
After she joins Taran for their supposed “adventure”, the personality quotient drops drastically. They truly gave this girl nothing to do. My favorite quirk is her ability to repeat exposition with any lack of emotion or sense of passion. She is just a warm body. At one point in the film, she has a small tiff with Taran and runs away crying. Taran quickly goes to calm her down and she has already stopped crying and is, seemingly, over the situation immediately. I’m sort of obsessed with the writers’ brazenness to not do anything with her. It’s admirable to just throw a new princess into the equation and not care in the slightest.
As an insufferable Disney fan myself, I am one to include niche princesses when discussing who fits under the Disney umbrella. “Actually, my favorites are Princess Amneris from Aida and Princess Mia from The Princess Diaries” is something I likely said to someone in middle school who then proceeded to bully me. Honestly? I deserved it! In the same vein, people love to bring up Princess Eilonwy as a forgotten, but much deserved princess.
I, on behalf of the Disney Princess group chat and overall purveyor of princess qualities, hereby denounce any mention of Princess Eilonwy henceforth. The girl has nothing going for her, y’all. Let’s be like the entertainment industry’s view on Melissa Leo and just pretend she never existed. Or, at the very least, block her number.
(And, like, her dress isn’t even fun! Shabby chic isn’t actually chic, sis!)