Upon further inspection, I pose a wearisome query: is EPCOT actually embarrassing?
[soft jazz starts to play in the background]
On a recent visit to EPCOT, I experienced its purest form.
Nary a festival booth or retractable stanchion in sight.
While my time is usually spent enjoying the festival festivities, I instead went to the attractions.
When the festival is the focus, EPCOT attractions step aside.
“I’ll be here when you’re done, have fun with your food and your wine”, they say.
Guardians looms large, but does anything else?
Amidst this cool, calm, and collected EPCOT, I spent the day with a pair of fresh eyes.
A new EPCOT guest.
I felt the need to share the quintessential experiences.
Living with the Land? A beacon of a by-gone EPCOT.
Not said negatively or positively, just as fact.
Did the narration match up with what we were seeing? No.
Is the new lighting in the rainforest scene nice? Yes.
Does anyone know why the door stays open prior to the greenhouses anymore?
The question of a generation.
It is loved, but for a new guest, is it loved?
My one hope is that its appreciation runs deep.
Next up, the royal purple pigment.
Figment becomes a party trick, of sorts.
“You ever done acid? Me either, but this must be how it feels.”
A queue stuck in 1998 paired with an attraction equally dated.
The effects look off, the sets look cheap, and the attraction remains odd.
Is this just for passholders?
Does the Figment industrial complex run so deep that this insane attraction must stay open?
As the train riders debark, no one seems happy.
Most leave confused.
That was an anomaly, right?
Right?
Test Track is next.
Been a while for me, the first time for him.
Both of us feel embarrassed.
A ride made to look tech savvy, but instead feels like your uncle who needs help updating his Google Chrome.
(He preferred Internet Explorer, but you insisted.)
Again, who is this for?
The thrill is getting people in seats.
Everything else feels…odd.
Plywood and paste and no soul.
Lastly, a trip aboard Spaceship Earth.
The journey to the top remains a wonder: educational, entertaining, and exciting.
Animatronics, gorgeous sets, an abundance of detail.
THE PHOENICIANS!
We turn backwards. Remain seated.
Once again, your uncle returns.
“I rebooted my computer, but now it’s saying I can’t email anymore. Can you help?”
“You forgot to login.”
Shiny lights and a Seventeen magazine poll?
Rooted in a 2007 mentality.
Test Track, luckily, is receiving some well warranted TLC.
National Geographic tracks the EPCOT revitalization.
A new entertainment space is set to open alongside the gorgeous new park center.
Journey of Water remains an underrated gift to the park.
So, why so inconsistent?
It’s hard to claim revitalization amidst aforementioned plywood and paste.
No soul.
No soul.
The additions are working to breathe new life.
However, many still need an inhaler.
I can’t celebrate a new EPCOT when a healthy portion remains in the past.
Yet, not a past with a strong braintrust.
A past filled with concepts that never quite worked.
Half of EPCOT? Disney+.
The other? Quibi.
Announcements fell through from the pandemic, understood.
But a lot of the worries never had announcements to begin with.
They just stay.
Like a bad pimple.
Or JAG on CBS’s primetime line-up.
Will they go away?
Can they go away?
I hope they go away.
For a new EPCOT, we must reconsider the old and work towards a brilliant new.
[puts out fake cigarette, grabs coat, and leaves office]