I’ve solved it. I don’t need applause, I just ask for a lifetime supply of chicken nuggets from Cosmic Ray’s for my work.
After D23: The Ultimate Disney Fan Event, discourse was at an all-time high online about every announcement made at the Disney Parks panel. After years of complaints (understandably so) about no major domestic parks news, especially for Walt Disney World, the Josh D’Amaro-led panel delivered. New lands, new attractions, no blue sky, all under construction (another club, another club, no sleep).
Yet, what was the resounding response from fans? Bitterness and anger. Every minute detail was dragged online for being too big or too small. In a fan community that has become entrenched in social media’s faults, no one was pleased.
Bizarrely, what I saw most of all was complaints about what wasn’t announced. If you felt a small earthquake on August 11th, it was due to rolling my eyes so profoundly, it altered the tectonic plates below. People were livid that, above all, Tomorrowland wasn’t mentioned once.
Let's take a gosh darn breath and be a smidge grateful? For once?
To a certain degree, I understand. The land has become “forgotten,” even after a big addition with Tron. The aesthetics are a bit all over the place and the path from the hub feels like an early aughts franchise ghosttown. Yet, Walt Disney World needs capacity. We’ve known this for years. When Tiana’s Bayou Adventure’s announcement came around, people complained over and over about it being a replacement and not a “brand new” attraction. Yet, after a night filled with brand new announcements, people flip-flop and complain again.
I am annoyed. I am peeved. I am frequently gobsmacked.
However, because I am such an incredibly nice person (CUT TO: A small cricket playing a violin in the corner of an abandoned Quiznos), I have fixed it. I have fixed Tomorrowland. My plan has nary a fault and will be utterly successful for every single guest. Thank you to all my fans.
The new signage that debuted a few years ago, alongside the mid-century modern paint jobs that have tried to cover-up the mismatched aesthetics of the land, are a solid direction for the land. A look towards the future from the eyes of the past. Perfect. Stick with that.
Stitch’s Great Escape has been closed for years now, becoming empty real estate in a park that’s desperate for it, so it will reopen with a new theme. Now with 20th Century part of the Disney umbrella, Alien Encounter will return with the Ridley Scott aesthetic on full display. Again, we are looking at the future from the past, and the 1970s-look-at-the-year-2100 sticks with this new theme. The outside facade can remain rooted in the 1950s and 60s, but once inside, the highly analog possibility of space travel will be on full display. With the space presented, it’s hard to do anything that isn’t a tried and true show, so an updated Alien Encounter with proper Xenomorphs, up-to-date effects, and an original story could be an engaging and revolutionary inclusion for the Magic Kingdom. (If you’re going to tell me it doesn’t belong in a Disney park because it’s too “scary”, I raise you It’s Tough To Be A Bug.)
The other side of the entry path currently houses Buzz Lightyear’s Space Ranger Spin and Monsters Inc. Laugh Floor, two attractions that have seen better days. With them situated right next to each other (and with both having larger presences at Disney’s Hollywood Studios), it’s the perfect opportunity to break down a dividing wall (Who am I, a Property Brother?) and create one larger space. As much as Disney fans don’t want to admit it (yet continue to spend money on it), IP reigns supreme. With this space, I’m thinking of bringing Marvel into the Magic Kingdom. I am aware of Universal rights and yada yada, but not only has the Guardians created precedent, but I can imagine Universal would be more willing to negotiate the rights of a smaller, non-prominent character amidst their Super Hero Island. Enter Ant-Man.
It could be one of two things: an expanded shooting attraction a la the Nano Battle attraction in Hong Kong Disneyland or an original dark ride harkening back to Adventures Through Inner Space. Both bring a Marvel presence into the park while updating the space into something like plywood-and-paste and more of the current decade. Scott Lang shrinking us down with the intention of a snowflake, but actually getting us stuck in the Quantum realm? Fun for all, I say!
Carousel of Progress, Space Mountain, and People Mover all remain (because duh), just with slight changes, adhering more to the newly cohesive aesthetic. (i.e. CoP’s end scene would be finally updated to look towards a distant future, People Mover would receive a new color scheme, etc.) Astro Orbiter would follow suit, with a sleek new redesign to echo the rockets of yesteryear.
The biggest sore thumb across the entirety of Walt Disney World is Tomorrowland Speedway. Often warranted responses such as “not making sense in the land”, “oh so loud”, and “wait…does this mean NASCAR exists in the future? bummer.”, it’s gotta go. With Cars coming to Frontierland, the need for this type of attraction is no longer necessary. Big Hero 6 is a much loved property that does two things: adheres to a look towards our future and makes a ton of money in merchandise. So, adding a show building to the plot of land, a micro-bot battle comes to life. Think Luigi’s Rollickin’ Roadsters: an attraction that has a minimal height restriction, fun for the whole family, and equally throws you side-to-side with no real warning. Fun!
These…but mini bots…but Baymax off to the side…but indoors? Brilliant.
Also, because I’m feeling fun, gut Cosmic Ray’s and make it adhere to this aesthetic as well. 1950s TV dinner and a more prominent Sonny Eclipse show for guests to enjoy.
There. I did it. I fixed Tomorrowland. Now, can everyone calm down? Please?