After a long shift at Universal Studios Hollywood back in 2019, I stopped at a Rite-Aid on the way home to pick up a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food ice cream. While walking through the store, I heard a commotion at the Pharmacy counter. Minding my own business, I continued thoughtlessly moving towards the freezer section to pick up my little treat. As I dragged my worn-out Timberland covered feet to the self checkout, I came face-to-face with one of the prettiest men I’ve ever seen. It was Steven Tyler. My heart sank into my chest. The star of Disney’s Rock n Roller Coaster was right in front of me, and I was repping the wrong theme park. After getting in my car, I called a few of my closest friends to brag about running into Disney royalty.
Back in 1999, Disney opened one of their strangest attractions ever built with Rock n Roller Coaster Starring Aerosmith. The Vekoma launched coaster propels guests on a high speed trip through Los Angeles in a rush to Aerosmith’s sold out show. Being invited into the VIP section by the band, riders are ushered into super-stretch limos as they loop, twist, and turn through cartoonish SoCal icons. The Hollywood Studios located attraction has been a staple of the park for 25 years, and has been the subject of countless rumors around its “inevitable” retheme. With Walt Disney Studios Paris’ version of the attraction being rethemed and the announcement of the band's retirement, I think it's time to stir the pot with a baseless rumor of my own. So here’s who I think should replace Aerosmith in the thrilling and musical roller coaster.
Hannah Montana
With Miley Cyrus honored at this year’s D23 as a Disney Legend, what better way to give the singer her “Flowers” than by bringing her teenage alter ego to life. Hannah Montana, which premiered back in 2006, is the perfect way to draw in all the childless millennials, cuspers, and Gen Z into the park. Boasting an impressive 4 albums of Bangerz, Hannah Montana is easily Disney’s most iconic musical act. Imagine walking into the G-Force Records plaza, a giant, sparkly, pastel-purple guitar towers over you, “He Could Be The One” blasting from the speakers, you start reminiscing about the days when VMK ruled your life and you break into tears. The nostalgia is too much. The Disney magic shines brighter than the Florida sun. And you haven’t even entered the queue yet. In my vision, not much has to change. You still enter the recording studio, but there you’ll find Robbie Ray, Lola, and Hannah herself as they finish up a recording session. As guests exit into the alley, riders will find their super-stretch limo, which is now plastered with the iconic HM logo. As guests board the coaster towards the sold out Hannah Montana concert, they’ll hear Hannah’s bodyguard Roxie (who’s like a puma) yelling at riders to take a seat and store their loose articles. The iconic Los Angeles sights would stay the same, but hosting an all new soundtrack. With six different trains, each one will be preprogrammed with one of blondie’s timeless hits. Obviously, we need to include “The Best of Both Worlds,” “Nobody’s Perfect,” “I Got Nerve,” “Rock Star,” “Let’s Get Crazy,” and “He Could Be The One.” Once guests reach the VIP dropoff area, they’ll hear “You’ll Always Find Your Way Back Home” as they enter into the “Hannah’s Closet” gift shop, which will allow guests to buy their very own Hannah Montana wigs, sequined scarves, and other pop star essentials. Outside the attraction, guests will find Rico’s Surf Shop, which will sell various, overpriced hot dogs, nachos, pretzels and more. The highlight will be Jackson and Oliver’s Cheese Jerky. I know. I’m a genius.
Almost every rumor that comes out about this campy coaster feels so ridiculous. But part of the fun of being a Disney fan is getting to imagine what crazy ideas could come to life within the parks. Rock n Roller Coaster is a perfect example of how a simple idea can become a magical memory. I hope that whenever they retheme this thrill ride, it stays just as silly as it is now.
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