(*Haunted Mansion Collectibles)

I am a good person. I’m pure of heart and I say my prayers at night. Alright, so I’m a little hirsute, but that has nothing to do with the moon or Maria Ouspenskaya. I’m essentially a good person who just happens to be obsessed with the darker side of Disney. Villains, ghosts, mountain dwelling demons, sea witches, all of it. If it’s threatened a princess, locked up a prince, danced at midnight with the undead from a small Tyrollian village, put a spell on at least one newborn baby, or sent an innocent child hunting for a diamond down a dark dangerous grotto….I’m all about it!

Never is the fever for Disney villainy in greater evidence than at this time of year – Halloween time. What’s that? It’s only mid August, you say? Ah, I see, you’re one of “those.�? Obviously you don’t know your American history very well. You see, August is Halloween time. It’s a tradition that started in the mid 1960’s, brought to this country by the Hallmark family and most recently elevated by Department 56 and the Disney catalogue. There’s been something of a decline for the regard of these traditions in recent years, given support by a very flimsy Roman calendar, but purists like me, we understand that days and dates are no match for the power of what really matters – collectibles!

Whereas my pal Shirley MacLaine was a Geisha in an other life, I was a department store, so my clock is, has been, and always will be set approximately seventy five days ahead of that pesky old Roman calendar. In order to understand all you have to do is walk into any large retailer, or open your most recent pile of catalogues from your mailbox and you’ll see the truth. Trust me on this, it’s Halloween time.

Disney, always a company of traditional American values, went so far this year as to prepare us for All Hallow’s Eve by releasing a spooktacular line of Haunted Mansion collectibles on August 12th. I know it seems like rushing things, releasing villainous and haunting merchandise a full three days before the official launch of the season, but we can forgive them for being so eager. Or can we?

It turns out that Disney has decided to be villainous in their own right. They have purposefully tortured me and those of my wicked ilk who have been waiting very patiently, saving our money (making regular trips to donate plasma, growing hair and selling it to wig makers, etc.) in anticipation of the August 12th release of the Disneyland 50th Anniversary collectibles merchandise from Haunted Mansion…..so here we are in mid August and not a wicked little treat in sight. Okay, I’m as patient and forgiving as the next guy, but where in Morva are the goods?!

Allow me to share my pain and frustration with you, fellow celebrants. On August 11th I set my alarm, I sat by the computer, I clicked on favorites, highlighted DisneyDirect.com and up it pops!.....a Pirates of the Caribbean big figure. Huh?

Okay, it’s nice. Fun. Simulated leather…ooooooh! Good if you’re a Pirates of the Caribbean fanatic - and more power to you “matey�? if you are - but I’m not. I love the ride, worship at the alter of Marc Davis, dig the feature, all that jazz. But he’s not a Disney villain, nor is Pirates day a major holiday, there are a few skeletons on the either side of the waterfalls both fore and aft, but they’re obviously really and truly dead and they haven’t exactly come back to life, so Pirates merchandise does not quell the itch I have for all things dark and mysterious about The Mouse. Not to be too blunt, but shift your larboard side out of the way so that I can see my Hat Box Ghost!!!!!

Hellooooo! Earth to Disney Merchandising…a promise is a promise so let’s hop to it kids. I’ve got arm and torch sconce spots marked on the wall, I’ve tossed out the Luxo lamp on the desk to make way for the widow and tombstone stained glass lamp, I’ve thrown out the curtains and put up rods for the stretching portraits, and above and beyond everything else, I have had the electrician in to hand the spot light for the Hat Box Ghost big fig. The lamp is focused and we are ready, Skippy, so launch the goods already!

August 12th at 8:00 a.m. I try again. Click. Nothing. I note that the Pirate Auctioneer still has top billing…Yo, ho, get thee gone! I click Refresh. Click. Still there. Okay, so I’ll wait until midnight the 13th. THE 13th!!!!!! Suddenly it dawns on me. Well, duh! Of course! It’s perfect, it makes absolute sense, it’s terribly clever, and it’s oh so Disney. I set the alarm for midnight.

Midnight arrives and….click. Auuuugh! I swear the picture of the Pirate Auctioneer is 25% larger than it was this morning. Oooo….ooooh….. wait a minute…look! A heading just for Halloween. Well obviously they put it there. Good, I’ll be able to snag the sconces and an organ before they sell out. Click. Click. Refresh. Click. Okay, what gives? I reboot. Same old thing. I reason through the various possibilities and come to accept that Disney merchandising team members don’t work this late at night so obviously we have to wait until they’re in the office and then they’ll load the new page and we’ll be fine. *whew!*