We interrupt your scheduled coverage of The Walt Disney Company to bring you a piece about fantasy football. That’s right! Laughingplace.com is covering fantasy football now! Okay, not really, but we do cover ESPN and, in honor of National Fantasy Football Draft Day (It’s a thing, look it up), I’ve decided to take it upon myself to venture into the world of fantasy football.
But Mack, what does fantasy football have to do with ESPN? I’m so glad you asked, convenient writing device. I actually have two connections to ESPN I would like to menton before we get into the meat and potatoes you likely saw in the headline on that last page. And if you didn’t… how did you get here?
First, and most obvious, you can play fantasy football on ESPN.com. Whether you’re new to the game and want to jump into a standard league or your ready to crush your friends and family like a grape in your own, custom league, ESPN has everything you need for this fantasy football season. In fact, ESPN was the platform of choice for the Laughingplace fantasy football league, but we don’t need to talk about the third-place finish for A Goffy Movie.
Second, I can’t take all (or any) of the credit for this concept. ESPN fantasy football analyst Mike Clay did a story back in June comparing the fantasy outlooks of various players to the music of Taylor Swift. Clay is a brilliant writer and an even more brilliant fantasy football analyst. So, naturally I looked at that story and said “I can do that.”
Time for a peek behind the curtain. The plan was to do this with a variety of Disney songs from some of your favorite classic Disney films. And then one day, while listening to the Hamilton soundtrack, I heard one song that fit perfectly with a player. And then another. And then another. By the time I finished the soundtrack (for about the 100th time) I had a complete list of comparisons to players we’ll be considering on draft day.
So, without further ado, let’s take a look at some football players compared to the songs of Lin-Manuel Miranda’s Hamilton. (Which can be streamed on Disney+. See? It all comes together!)
“Alexander Hamilton” – Alexander Mattison
“My name is Alexander Hamilton. And there’s a million things I haven’t done, but just you wait. Just you wait.”
Alexander Mattison. His name is Alexander Mattison. And there’s a million plays he hasn’t run, but just you wait. Don’t worry, I promise they won’t all be this on the nose. But come on, this was just too obvious to pass up.
Mattison has been in the shadow of Dalvin Cook in Minnesota since he came into the league in 2019. Well, Cook is no longer in Minnesota. Mattison is. The Vikings starting running back has looked good in the few opportunities he’s had when filling in for Cook. Over the course of his career, Mattison has had just five games where he’s seen at least 20 carries. In those games, he averaged more than 104 rushing yards. Yes, it’s a small sample size, but you can bet Mattison will be seeing about 20 touches per game this season and if those numbers play out over a whole season, you’ve got yourself a very good running back who is currently going in the 5th-6th round.
“My Shot” – Samaje Perine
“I’m young, scrappy and hungry and I’m not throwing away my shot.”
This song could have been used for a lot of different players (like Alexander Mattison for example). Perine is a good fit for this one though, even if he’s not actually all that young (for a running back). The new Denver Broncos RB is getting his shot on a new team where he will likely step into a very big role.
It’s unclear right now just how long it will be before Perine’s running mate Javonte Williams will be at full go as he continues to recover from an ACL injury (and it’s looking like it will be sooner than later). In the meantime, Perine figures to get the bulk of the work in the backfield. Last year, when filling in for Joe Mixon on the Cincinnati Bengals, Perine looked like a guy who could be a featured back. Until now, he’s had to holler just to be heard but now it seems as though he will get his shot.
“You’ll Be Back” – Travis Kelce
“You’ll be back. Time will tell. You’ll remember that I served you well.”
Here are Travis Kelce’s finishes among tight ends over the last seven years: first, second, first, first, first, second, first. Yes, he will be turning 34 years old this season, but if this guy has showed any signs of slowing down, I certainly haven’t seen it.
Of course, Kelce comes with a very steep price tag. If you want the best TE in the game, you’re going to have to spend a first round pick to get him. But is the price of his love not a price that you’re willing to pay!? Oceans rise, empires fall and Travis Kelce finishes as the best TE in the game.
“Satisfied” – Tyler Lockett
“He will never be satisfied. I will never be satisfied.”
I would like to talk to you about a Seattle Seahawks wide receiver. No, not THAT Seattle Seahawks wide receiver. Though perhaps he should be. If I told you one of their receivers had 10, 8 and 9 touchdowns in the last three seasons and another receiver finished 8th, 15th and 13th in amongst all wide receivers in PPR (point per reception) scoring over the last three seasons, which one would you guess is DK Metcalf? Trick question! They’re both Tyler Lockett!
And yet, fantasy football players will never be satisfied with the output of this great wide receiver. Lockett is currently going as the WR32 and is still available in the sixth round of most drafts. Meanwhile, he hasn’t finished worse than the WR17 in PPR scoring over the last five seasons. You’d have to be naive to set that aside. You should be after him like he’s a Schuyler sister when your draft comes around.
“Wait For It” – Kyle Pitts
“I’m willing to wait for it.”
So many fantasy football players have been burned by Kyle Pitts in the past couple of years. Drafted fifth overall by the Falcons, this young, athletic Tight End was destined to be the next big thing. His rookie season wasn’t actually all that bad, as he surpassed 1,000 receiving yards and finished as the TE6 (sixth best tight end in the league) in PPR scoring. Last year though, with Pitts being drafted as one of the top Tight Ends in the league, he finished as the TE33.
So it’s certainly understandable if you’ve vowed to never open yourself up to this hurt ever again, but when it comes to Kyle Pitts, I’m willing to wait for it. Going into his third season in the league, it’s easy to forget Pitts is just 22 years old. The Falcons offense seems poised to take a leap forward with the addition of first round running back Bijan Robinson and second year wide receiver Drake London getting another year under his belt. Pitts is currently being drafted as the TE7 in the sixth round and he is certainly a guy with the talent to surpass that value.
“Say No to This” – Jonathan Taylor
“Show me how to say no to this. I don’t know how to say no to this.”
This is such a tough one. We know the ceiling of Jonathan Taylor. In his rookie season in 2020, he finished as the RB6 in PPR scoring. A year later, he leveled up and finished as the very best RB in the league. And then, last year, it all went wrong. Taylor suffered from nagging injuries all season long en route to a RB33 finish. And now, this offseason, things have gotten wrong…er.
The Colts star running back has asked for a trade from the team and has been missing training camp with what the team says is a back injury. Taylor, on the other hand, says he is healthy. He seemingly just doesn’t want to play for the Colts. The whole thing is just a mess. And here’s the thing, even if he does come back to the team, Taylor would be playing for a team that will be led by rookie QB Anthony Richardson who is likely going to use his extraordinary rushing ability to steal at least a handful of TDs from Taylor. On top of that, this figures to be one of the worst offenses in the league so there won’t be a whole lot of potential for points. Everything around Taylor is just bad right now and yet, it’s so hard to resist that name. When you see a guy just two years removed from being the RB1 falling to you in the second round, it’s going to be very tempting to add him to your roster. Say no to this.
“The Room Where it Happens” – Dolphins Running Backs
“I wanna be in the room where it happens.”
Peek behind the curtain: I actually had the Chiefs Running Backs here first but switched to the Dolphins. Either one could work.
Raheem Mostert, Jeff Wilson and De’Von Achane. There is going to be value in the Dolphins backfield. This is a high-powered offense with three very talented running backs and someone is going to produce fantasy points. We just need to be in “the room where it happens” in order to know which one it’s going to be on a weekly basis.
Last season, Mostert and Wilson split the work in the backfield as the two primary backs, combining for 300.3 fantasy points. In a perfect world, you could combine those numbers into one player and you would have the RB1 for the season. Of course, that’s not going to be the case as all three of these backs are going to split the work, with rookie De’Von Achane joining the mix this year. My advice: hold your nose and close your eyes and call your shot on one of these guys because again, there’s value here.
“Washington on Your Side” – Antonio Gibson
“It must be nice, it must be nice to have Washington on your side.”
Since joining the league in 2020, Commanders running back Antonio Gibson has been a fantasy darling each draft season due to his explosive ability. And in his first two seasons, it wasn’t all that bad, with him finishing as the RB13 and RB12. Still, there was a sense that Washington was simply refusing to let Gibson loose and use him to his full potential. That might be changing this year.
In prior years, Gibson has been the lead back, with J.D. McKissic coming in for passing down work. This year, it appears things will look a bit different, with Brian Robinson taking the early work and Gibson in the passing role, a role that may just suit him much better. For someone as explosive and shifty as Gibson, frequently getting him the ball in space could add up to huge fantasy points. Obviously, it remains to be seen but all the buzz coming out of Commanders camp is saying this could be the kind of usage Gibson sees this year. In other words, Washington may finally be on his side.
“One Last Time” – Derrick Henry
“Teach ‘em how to say goodbye. One last time.”
He can’t possibly do it again, can he? Derrick Henry may be just 29 years old but that’s getting up there in running back years and his workload has been off the charts over the last few years. It feels like every draft season now, fantasy players become more and more wary of Henry’s age and doubt that he can be one of the best running backs in the league again. Well, I’m telling you, he’s going to do it… one last time.
Last offseason, people doubted Derrick Henry. All he did was finish as the RB4. The year prior, he finished as the RB21… after missing half the season! Before that he was the RB3 and before that, the RB5. All told, Derrick Henry is just really good at football. Eventually, the wheels will fall off. Father Time is undefeated and even the great Derrick Henry will fall victim to his call. But until we see some sort of sign that it’s happening, I think he can still give use one more great season.
“I Know Him” – Aaron Rodgers
“That poor man, they’re going to eat him alive.”
There is a lot of hype around Aaron Rodgers this season, and rightfully so. The former MVP is stepping into a team with a great defense and some incredibly weapons around him. Going in about the 9th round as the QB13, there is certainly some value to be had there. And yet, I’m fading him just a bit.
Let’s not forget that, while he has had a Hall-of-Fame career, Rodgers finished last season as the QB13 (so, right at his ADP). He’s also 39 years old and, yes, since you read the description of the previous player, Father Time is still undefeated. And then there’s the human element. Even if you’ve been living in an extended darkness retreat for the past year, you’re probably at least somewhat aware of Aaron Rodgers antics. There was a long back and forth between Rodgers and his former team, the Green Bay Packers, that got the quarterback a lot of negative attention in the media. And that was in Green Bay! Now take that circus and put it in New York, where ever minor detail is immediately reported and examined and critiqued by every last person in the city. Sure, up to this point, Rodgers seems to be a great fit in New York and everyone involved seems to be happy. And maybe things will run smoothly. Bu if the Jets start out 0-2, or 1-3, well, they will tear each other into pieces. This will be fun.
Remember, whether you’re new to the game or you’ve been playing for years, you can play fantasy football on ESPN.com and hopefully use this breakdown of the Hamilton soundtrack to help you win your league.