The smell of sequins is in the air, and DWTS is back! After a weird pre-taped intro to the stars, which was then followed by a live intro to the stars, all to the tune of the words “Let’s Go!” over and over and over, the dancing quickly began. With an updated set (is the dang thing ever NOT updated?!) and fancy new judges desk to accompany the new judge, Ms. Julianne Hough, we did lose one thing. Our favorite invisible, British announcer. Wait, what?! HE WAS AN ESSENTIAL PART! His only representation is him stating the names of the judges, not even “Ladies and Gentlemen, the judges’ scores.” He no longer intros the dances, either. They just awkwardly and immediately begin. I’m disgusted with this choice. Anyway, we did gain some super cool live streams throughout the entire length of the show. Past pro Lacey Schwimmer and an Australian named Dominic (no clue where he came from or his relevancy…) host a separate analysis show throughout the live broadcast, but we also have access to 6 live cameras, including a brilliant judges camera, so we can see real-time reactions. OOOOOO, they are good. But enough about the new and the old (they better bring back the announcer), let’s get to the dances! BA BA DA BA BA BA BA BA BA DA BA BA!
Antonio Sabato Jr. and Cheryl Burke were the first up to bat, and with this being Cheryl’s final season (according to an interview with GMA)…it wasn’t a good start, which KILLS ME, because I absolutely love me some Cheryl. As we found out tonight, as well, Cheryl loves her some Antonio. The Cha Cha was their dance and it was…decent. That’s all I’m saying. He had potential, but rather stiff. Still, it is something to work with! Len wants better footwork and Bruno seems to want to have sex with him immediately (allegedly).Three 6s and a SEHVEN from Bruno (‘cause, ya know, the sexual tension adds a point).
Lea Thompson and Artem Chigvintsev danced a beautiful foxtrot from this self-described cougar, that I didn’t expect. I thought we would get that celebrity that used to dance, but got really rough, but we instead received beautiful lines and a gorgeous peek into what’s to come. Some would even say a peek…into the future. HA HA HA I SLAY ME! Julianne loved it (possible bramance?!), but her, along with Bruno, described her booty popping needed to go down. Carrie Ann thinks, and I SO agree, it was one of the best first foxtrots she’s ever seen. Their chemistry already seems to be super tight, too, which is kind of crazy! Straight 8s from the judges.
Janel Parish and Val Chmerkovskiy, of Pretty Little Liars fame, immediately shows that this is the Meryl and Maks of this season, not by dancing, but by possible marital status. She loves his swag and is rubbing his abs as if a genie will pop out. The jive brings back one of my favorite things…THE DWTS MOSH PIT!
All set to “Bang Bang,” with her thigh high boots being a clear shout out to Ariana Grande’s fashion sense (and that’s not a Problem…AGAIN WITH THE PUNS, I’M A RIOT!). A really great first dance, with lots of flair, fun, and fabulousness! The flicks, on the other hand, were a little out of control which was mentioned by the judges as well. All I could think was, YOU’LL NEVER BE AS GOOD AS MERYL MUHAHAHAHA! She has sass that I LOVE though, saying “This is my interview, thank you…” to Val after he butted into a question from Erin. Side note: Erin is equally obsessed with the sass master. Three SEHVENs and an 8 from Bruno.
Lolo Jones and Keo Motsepe…”danced”…next. Wow, she may have been worse than Billy Dee Williams, which I didn’t think was possible. So, let’s figure this out: She stinks at track and field, she stinks at bobsled, and now, she stinks at dancing! Oh, and she’s a virgin (a key fact she felt she needed to tell us). AND THEN, she back talked and made excuses for herself in front of the judges. It was overall super painful. Two 6s (Carrie Ann and Len) and Two 5s (Julianne and Bruno), but as the scores were given, there were a relatively healthy amount of cheers for the 5s. I was dying.
Betsey Johnson and Tony Dovolani danced a super fun Cha Cha, but the staging guys screwed up the placement of a boa, and the dance went to shambles. It physically hurt me, because she was doing REALLY well at the beginning. Her flexibility is crazy amazing, and she was on beat, having a great time, and just a ball of energy that I am hoping stays another week. Unfortunately, four 5s from the judges *cries while cha-cha-ing away*. (Side note, I used all of my possible 39 votes on Betsey…)
Tavis Smiley and Sharna Burgess danced a super surprising foxtrot, as I thought Tavis would be less than Smiley, but he ended up being super Smiley! He brought a humor to very fluid movement on the floor which is rare for older men on the show. Julianne seems him as very comfortable, which is the perfect word to describe his dance. Erin rocked some great wordplay and puns with Tavis up in the skybox…a girl after my own heart. Three 7s and an 8, from Julianne.
Sadie Robertson and Mark Ballas, of Duck Dynasty fame, stunned the ballroom, because “real people” don’t usually do well on the show, but she is fantastic! Cha-Cha-ing to “Birthday” by Katy Perry, a song ripe with sexual innuendo, maybe too much for a 17 year old? (Oh, by the way, she’s younger than me. I want to be on the show as soon as possible. For a Halloween joke, does Tom want me to take his place?) Either way, she had some stiff facial expressions, but fantastic energy and rather amazing first week dancing. Julianne wants her to get dirty…but not TOO dirty, ‘cause Daddy Robertson is watching, and she doesn’t want him to do another bad script reading for a “reality” TV show. Wow, that was even harsh for me. Anyway…two 8s from Carrie Ann and Len, and two 9s from Julianne and Bruno.
Michael Waltrip and Emma Slater danced a Cha Cha like Bill Engvall, has a wedgie, and started dancing in a race car. That’s really all you need to know. Three 6s, but a 7 from Carrie Ann.
Jonathan Bennett and Allison Holker dances a jive for his dead father. Yeah, that “be sad, vote for him” card was played by ABC in week 1! It was a good dance, however, because he brought a much needed spark to the dance floor. Julianne throws down the first Mean Girls reference of the season, which I will now be counting throughout the season. Two 8s from Carrie Ann and Bruno and two 7s Len and Julianne.
“Jonathan is so lit up, he must have been hanging out with our next contestant, Tommy Chong.”
Tommy Chong and Peta Murgatroyd danced an incredible, that shouldn’t have been incredible, cha-cha with Peta in a weed dress, Cheech making an appearance, and a Snoop Dogg song. It was the perfect trifecta, I guess, because he rocked it. Frankly, this is because of Peta, I predict. She can do no wrong, in my book. Like I’ve mentioned before, Peta is bae. Three SEHVENs and a 6 from Len (ironic).
Randy Couture and Karina Smirnoff danced an impeccable foxtrot that surprised me so much! Randy was graceful (not in the face, though) and felt like some of the past football winners of DWTS past. Carrie Ann was weak at the knees…I’ll leave that where it is. (#LaBamba) Bruno said Julianne was lactating. Again, leaving that one alone. Three 8s and a 7 from Len.
Bethany Mota and Derek Hough, who is known for her YouTube celebrity (and recent Streamy win…Go #TeamInternet!), danced a fantastic jive! I just subscribed to her dancing! (PUN ALERT!)Judges wanted constant energy, but that was the ONLY comment they had. Straight 8s from the judges.
Alfonso Ribeiro and Witney Carson (with no Cody Simpson…WAHOO!) danced a jive and it was disgustingly good. I saw no flaw. He just won season 19 of DWTS. Can we go home now? SHOW’S OVER FOLKS! Stunning, just stunning. Straight 9s across the board.
What did you think of the premiere? Can I take Tom’s job for a day? Can we also bring back the announcer? Let me know your thoughts below! See you back here tomorrow for the quick results show recap!