Welcome back my fluorescent foxtrotters! It was the questionably wonderful #MyJamMonday in the ballroom and what we received was tulle, feathers, and an amazing night of improvement. Let’s get right to it. BA BA DA BA BA BA BA BA BA DA BA BA!
- Chris & Witney-Cha Cha: He danced to Pitbull. If I was judging, that would warrant an immediate 2. “When you hear Pitbull, ya gotta dance!” Debatable Chris, debatable. Witney (and every Kindergarten teacher in America) got pissed in rehearsal since Chris can’t count to save his life. It definitely showed in his dance, as when he came down the runway (Where’s Lizzie McGuire when you need her, am I right?!), he seemed scared he would start to dance off beat. He then proceeded to dance off beat. Julianne insulted the hard routine, which made me want to curb stomp her…DON’T INSULT MY WITNEY! Bruno said his timing was like Jello, but he was more erect. HEY-OOOO! *rim shot* He has potential, but he needs more work. A 6 from Len and three 5s from the rest of the judges. (?!)
- Suzanne & Tony-Jive: I am obsessed with this pair. Their rehearsals just seem like a ball of fun, they get along great, and luckily, we KNOW we will be seeing more of her in the ballroom, because her Jerry Lee Lewis “Ode to the Leopard” jive (That piano doe…) was AH-MAZING! Timing was close to, if not, perfection and her leg flicks were amazing, but they weren’t close to…
(ANNA TREBUNSKYA SIGHTING! Sorry, I’m back.) Suzanne cried with pride, and on the all-access feeds, Len blew his nose. Just thought you’d like to know. Straight SEHVENs from the panel. - Robert & Kym-Foxtrot: They are so making out after the show…it is so obvious. They are lovers, they will make beautiful DWTS babies and all the world will be sprinkled with glitter. Oh, right, the actual dance…sorry. He has the happiest face of any dancer ever, and he danced to Michael Buble, which doesn’t scream “THAT’S MY JAM!” to me, however, he did a great job. He has really weird lines with his arms, but his leg work is wonderful. Bruno said he had a lot of confidence and Carrie Ann is nauseous from the cute. That’s fine Carrie Ann, just don’t fall over! Len said he had style, which is an honor coming from Mr. One Suit. Buble sent a video message, because why not? Straight SEHVENs (including a voice inflection from Julianne) from the panel.
- Charlotte & Keo-Cha Cha: There was an oddly placed bullying storyline for Charlotte, and frankly, she is not the one to be bullied. The production team who decided to make her whole introduction last week about her boobs, THEY should be receiving the flack. Either way, she improved a lot. After a ton of interns (allegedly) threw beach balls from the third tier in the ballroom, and Sasha and Jenna were in crab outfits (it got weird, y’all), the judges commented on her vast improvement, especially in her legs and foot placement. Bruno had to make a point, so Charlotte proceeded to SHUSH THE AUDIENCE! How dare you. Who do you think you are, Makism Chmerkovskiy?! Two SEHVENs, from Carrie Ann and Julianne, and 6s from the rest of the judges.
- Michael & Peta-Foxtrot: Derek can take his bicoastal Rockettes schedule and shove it (into a nearby cubby…wait, what did you think I meant? Get your mind out of the gutter!), because Michael’s current DWTS + Football draft schedule is freaking insane. Like, Cloris Leachman plié insane. #PetaPosse wanted to see a better frame, but his footwork was incredible compared to last week’s travesty. Len had this to say: “BOOYACASHA!” I’m going to leave it at that (also so I don’t have to include all the football puns the judges said…woof.) Straight SEHVENs from the panel.
- Rumer & Val-Cha Cha: Val did an impression of Bruce Willis’ happy face after Rumer danced last week, which also doubles as an amazing Tommy Lee Jones impression! Kudos to Val! Side note: Rumer has a lion tattoo on her arm that makes me yearn for her to dance to “Roar.” That is all. Her turns were excellent and her lines were superb. A tad stiff at times, but amazing overall. The amount of rumor puns the judges said after this dance…IT IS TOO MUCH TO BEAR! Julianne wants her more grounded and Bruno liked her precision. Carrie Ann asked if she could say more, as she loved it so much, to which Tom responded with “No, there’s a new Castle on at 10.” Straight 8s from the judges.
- Redfoo & Emma-Jive: He is 38. Just a reminder. He was really passionate about getting the choreography and technique down, and boy, did he improve! Hands are very spastic, but timing was wonderful and his footwork was not only improved over last week, but actual quality this time around. Carrie Ann told him to “Gimme Some Skin!” which immediately means the introduction of the new segment DWTS RECAP DANCE BREAK! However, she did step on her dress to reach Redfoo, to which I said “SAVE THE TULLE!” and immediately judged myself. Erin asked why he chose “My Sherona” and he said that is was “Favorite song since a kid!” Sweetie, you forgot the verb, but nice try! A SEHVEN from Len (obvi) and three 8s from the rest of the judges.
- Willow & Mark-Argentine Tango: My new favorite couple. Dancing to Gotye, with a color run-esque inspired routine (which was very reminiscent of my high school’s senior prank…).
It was magic. Mark’s best dance concept ever. EVER. Her lines were strong, her flicks could use some work, but her emotion was perfectly timed and made sense in every move. Her toe slide was incredible and I will be re-watching it on YouTube all day. Bruno loves lines and shapes they created (Get it? It was a heart? Never mind, you’re hopeless). Overall, I LOVE HER! Straight 8s from the judges. - Noah & Sharna-Samba: Noah has a girlfriend currently deployed and they are both super southern and OH MY STARS I love ‘em. He danced a country routine to Darius Rucker (RIP Hootie) and smack my bottom and call my Shirley, it was flippin’ amazing! I am now starting the #MoreCountrySambas campaign if anyone wants to join in. His timing and musicality was amazing, but all Len was concerned about was his pecs *fans self and sips sweet tea*. Julianne said he’s always on beat. They are good which means more Sharna on my TV. BLESS THIS DAY! A 6 from Len and SEHVENs from the rest of the judges. The best part, however, was when HIS GIRLFRIEND SURPRISED HIM IN THE SKYBOX. Y’all, these aren’t tears…just the pollen is really bad…I swear…
- Nastia & Derek-Rumba: Are they amazing? Yes. Do they bore me? Absolutely. Maybe it’s because they always give Derek an amazing dancer, or that he always is given footage to make him look like the King of Sequin (That’s Len, my friend. Back off!), but I’m just bored. She was incredibly sharp, but didn’t connect until halfway through the dance (mentioned by Julianne). Carrie Ann was speechless and I was yawning. Two 9s, from Carrie Ann and Bruno, and two 8s from the judges.
- Riker and Allison-Foxtrot: After a waste of a package (Hairstyles? Really? GIVE ME ACTUAL DANCE FOOTAGE!), they danced to one of the best songs on the radio right now, Maroon 5’s “Sugar”. The choreography was really nice, with a hint of jazz in the very beginning. I didn’t think it was good as last week, as his legs looked most crooked the whole dance, but I was the lone voice on the opinion. Bruno saw it as super slick and Julianne liked his musicality. Straight 8s from the judges.
- Patti and Artem-Salsa: She danced to 50 Cent and wants to be called Twinkle Toes. I have a new role model and her name is Patti Freaking LaBelle. She was not a fan of the confetti as they went to commercial, and whoever did that to my dear Patti shall be sent to the DWTS dungeon (Lolo Jones has been down there since last season). She danced through the pain, reintroduced the #DWTSMoshPit, and absolutely killed. I would go as far to say that she has the best musicality of all the contestants, and she is by far having the most fun. Julianne said there was a baller in the ballroom. NEVER HAVE TRUER WORDS BEEN SPOKEN ON THE HARDWOOD. Patti then said her and the judges would go clubbing after the show. I would pay a large sum of money to attend that evening. Straight SEHVENs from the judges. (Personally, I would’ve given all the 10s.) Side note, if at the finale, Patti doesn’t sing “Somewhere Over the Rainbow,” I will boycott the show for the rest of eternity.
Redfoo and Emma, unfortunately were the first pair kicked out of the ballroom, which means less Emma, which means sad Marshal. Can they give her a partner with potential? PLEASE?! Anyway, this week’s scores have Nastia in the lead and Chris on the bottom. Do you agree? What were your favorite dances of the night? Let me know in the comments. See you next week for Latin Week!
This week’s classic dance from DWTS’ past is one of my favorite contestants ever, who didn’t go as far as she should have! Florence Henderson, one of my favorite people of all-time and avid DWTS fan (ever since she was on the show, she sits in the audience of almost every live show) danced a Rumba in Season 11 during one of the first Latin Nights. She had a sex appeal and technique that was fantastic. Forever one of my favorite dances. Check it out.