All that glitters is gold, because it’s Season 20! Welcome back my favorite bedazzled thighmasters! It’s the 10th anniversary of the USA entering the ballroom and we are going to celebrate it in true #DWTS fashion, by judging everything the celebrities do. #PetaPosse represents in the opening montage, Keo annoys during his entrance, and all is back to normal in my world. Nothing better than fresh ballroom smell. Let’s get right to the dances! BA BA DA BA BA BA BA BA BA DA BA BA!
- Willow and Mark-Cha Cha: She is 14, y’all. 14! When I was 14, I was taking 5 pages of AP Human Geography notes on linguistics around the globe and questioning everything I did that led me to that moment. Willow is part of a billion dollar franchise and is now dancing with “Get My Name” Mark Ballas. So jealous. The dance was great for a first time, she gives off major Sadie Robertson vibes (Side note: Sadie went and said hi to Carrie Ann and Len during commercial break and it was super cute and I love and miss her.), where she starts off middle of the pack, then sky rockets to a possible top two. Great facial expressions and a tad stiff, but her musicality was there. Len wanted her legs to be straight and compared her to Alka Seltzer (because he’s old, am I right?! no…okay then…), while Julianne wants her to stick to the floor more. DON’T TELL NO MOCKINGJAY TO STAY GROUNDED! *whistles 4 tones* Three 6s and a SEHVEN, from Bruno.
- Robert and Kym-Cha Cha: Kym is promised the Ferrari if they win. America, for the sake of Kym Johnson…get the woman to the finals! So happy Kym is back, as she is one of the all-time #DWTS greats (along with Ana, who now does DWTS All-Access! Bless the Glitter Gods!). Robert went out on the dance floor and had the most fun I’ve ever seen one individual have in a minute and thirty seconds. He can MOVE, y’all! He did a great first dance, showed room for improvement, but has a ton of potential in this competition. Bruno compared him to Flipper, which wins for most un-relatable analogy of the evening. Julianne wanted some more musicality. Straight SEHVENs from the judges. (Barbara Corcoran for Season 21)
- Riker and Allison-Jive: THE #DWTS MOSH PIT IS BACK!
Here’s the thing with Riker…he is related to Julianne, which is weird. He is a secondary member of Ross Lynch’s (of Austin and Ally fame) family band R5, so he is kind of irrelevant. Last, but not least, he is SUPER cocky. Not in the fun cocky-in-dances way. He is cocky like “I’m just like the Beatles!” way that bothers me to no end (cough cough Cody Simpson). The dance was pleasant, but I didn’t entirely care for the choreography, because I’ve apparently turned into Len. Bruno jumped on the judges’ table! I felt uncomfortable! I sense a Candace Cameron situation, where their first dance is great, but the following weeks, when refinement is added to the equation, it sinks like Mortdecai at the box office. Three 8s and a SEHVEN, from Len. - Charlotte and Keo-Jive: I can quickly summarize this pairing and dance. Boob joke, boob joke, shirtless Keo, boob joke, boob joke, boring dance, rough movement from Charlotte. The biggest issue, however, was their song choice. How do you dance to “Shake Your Tail Feather” and NOT use the Cheetah Girls version?! Blasphemy! I expect her voted out next week. Make it 2-for-2 Keo! The judges give the usual “amazing energy” comments for bad dancing, then gave them two 6s, from Carrie Ann and Bruno, and two 5s.
- Patti and Artem-Foxtrot: She can dance, people. SHE CAN DANCE! The Glitter Gods have smiled down upon us and Ms. Labelle rocked it out. After saying she wasn’t afraid to pimp slap Artem (my new tombstone engraving), she went onto the floor and gave the world pure elegance, matched with fluidity that was wonderful. ALL TO LADY MARMALADE! There is no loss in this situation. Now, the best dialogue ever recited on the program: Len “You can ring my bell anyday!” Tom “That’s one rusty bell.” ZING! Amazing. Judges all loved her, Patti began to cry, and Americans across the country immediately used all 12 votes to save Patti. A SEHVEN from Carrie Ann and three 6s from the rest of the judges.
- Chris and Witney-Jive: I am VERY protective of my dear Witney, so when I heard she was paired with the dang Bachelor, I was worried. Super worried. Then they began rehearsing in a barn, which made me less worried. Then, they started dancing. WHAT THE WHAT?! He’s $#*@ing good! I mean, by first dance standards. He has rhythm, sharpness, and musicality. He can work on a lot, but as a barebones opening dance, I was astounded. I didn’t expect to be in love with them as much as I am. Julianne wants pointed toes, but I didn’t want a Footloose reboot, SO WE ALL LOSE JULIANNE, WE ALL LOSE! (Loved Rock of Ages though! As if she reads this…) Carrie Ann said he had T-Rex arms, which immediately screams…
Two 6s from Julianne and Len and two SEHVENs - Michael and Peta-Cha Cha: Now, I don’t know a lot about football (unless Katy Perry and Missy Elliot are singing a mash-up), but I know that he should probably be training full-time as a free agent to get into the NFL…why isn’t he doing that? Why choose accentuating his bootay prominently in the ballroom? Who knows, but #PetaPosse contiues to prove to everyone that she could make a stick of lard dance an amazing paso. She’s THAT good. He was stiff and had the creepiest smile this side of It, but again, a ton of potential for the future and an overall enjoyable routine. Len said atrocious foot placement (dang Len, settle down sir!), but he still enjoyed himself. Carrie Ann wants less bootin’ and more movin’, to paraphrase. Understood, Ms. Inaba! As the pair headed up to the Skybox get their scores (RIP Red Room, Celebriquarium, Awkward Couch), Chris busted in their frame, to which Erin exclaimed “Chris, you has your shot and you were already on every Monday for WEEKS.” THIS is why Erin is the best. Two 6s from Carrie Ann and Len, and two SEHVENs.
- Nastia and Derek-Foxtrot: It was a spectacle and a Sinatra/Hip-Hop ode to NYC (‘cause sure?), but here’s the thing. I’m Derek-ed out. His constant need to create the “talking point” from every episode bothers me, and the fact that he has a huge job and opportunity currently with the Spring Spectacular at Radio City (Which is FANATSTIC, kudos to him! He gets to work with Laura freakin’ Benanti daily. THAT is an amazing job.), which means he should take a BREAK! I feel like the constant back and forth for them is going to hurt the pair, even though their first go at it was nice and fluid. HOUGH RANT OVER. The highlight, however, was nothing during the dance. It was the first comment from Carrie Ann…
It’s our first lift of the season! Rejoice and lower your score by 1 point! Two SEHVENs from Carrie Ann and Len, and two 8s. - Redfoo and Emma-Cha Cha: I feel bad for Emma, I really do. She is a wonderful human who does some great work in the ballroom, and yet, she gets paired with awful partners again and again. This time around, the 38 year old who thinks he is 12, slightly sexist, “jiggler”. He yelled “Bring It On!” at the camera and I just wanted to go “THAT’S CHEERLEADING!” He was stiff, awkward, and made me uncomfortable. There ya go. They ended with streamers, so that’s somethin’. Len wants more hip action (because he’s old, am I right?! no…okay then…). Two 5s from Len and Julianne, and two 6s.
- Noah and Sharna-Cha Cha: I always feel weird watching people on the show who aren’t entertainers do their first dances, because it can either be great or a complete and utter trainwreck a la Amy Schumer’s upcoming film. Noah was very in between for me. With his artificial left leg, it is a very different experience to have to choreograph (Major kudos to Sharna on a beautifully created dance) and balance on, I can imagine. His hip movements weren’t there, but he seemed to not only enjoy himself, but also have more rhythm and musicality than a LOT of past stars (LOLO JONES!). Carrie Ann cried, because duh, and Bruno wanted even more musicality, which was a fair critique. Len saluted him, which brings me to my new favorite #DWTS term I’ve created…
Two 6s from Len and Julianne and two SEHVENs. - Suzanne and Tony-Cha Cha: Tony wore more spandex in a 3 minute segment than I ever wanted or needed. Then, they danced to “Let’s Get Physical,” and I was worried the producers thought they booked Olivia Newton-John. There was a wrong foot issue that happened REALLY quickly in the dance, but otherwise, it was wonderful! Fluidity was nice, great facial expressions, seemed very comfortable and ready for more. Carrie Ann loved Tony harder [insert suggestive joke], but thought it was too safe, which was the consensus among the judges. Three 6s and a SEHVEN from Bruno. I am now excepting donations of a thighmaster for bedazzling purposes.
- Rumer and Val-Foxtrot: These two want to be Meryl and Maks REAL BAD, y’all. The showmance possibilities are present, but more importantly, the technique is too. Musicality, fluidity, hand placement, elongated legs…everything was wonderful. Demi Moore was ecstatic, Bruce Willis was happy, and Ashton Kutcher was swimming in That 70s Show residuals at home, not giving a damn. This is the clear couple to watch! Chmerkovskiys’ rule, Keo drools! Carrie Ann had a freaking seizure when expressing her love for the dance. BREATHE CARRIE ANN, BREATHE! Straight 8s across the board.
Rumer topped the leader board, with Redfoo jiggling up the rear (is that a phrase?). With a new Golden Mirrorball Trophy up for grabs (cue Muses choral arrangement), the stakes are at an all-time high! Did you have your favorites or least favorites? Any great moment I didn’t cover? Et’s talk about it in the comments below! I’ll see you back here next week for #MyJamMonday! (If Suzanne doesn’t pick the Step-By-Step theme song, I’ll be livid)
In honor of the 10th Anniversary of the show, every recap I’ll leave you with a video of some of my favorite dances! First up, Derek and Nicole Scherzinger’s 50s Paso Doble. It never gets old!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Y7hWBZwhew